Find Your Co-Pilot
Passengers enjoy the ride. Co-pilots help you fly.
It’s Valentine’s Day. And yeah, I’m going to talk about my wife.
But before all you football fans unsubscribe, I’m not going to write a love poem. I want to talk about the difference between a passenger and a co-pilot, and why one of them could change your entire life. I brought up this idea on Up & Adams a few weeks ago, but today felt like a good time to dive into it more.
Passengers enjoy the ride. Co-pilots help you fly.
A passenger shows up when things are good. They’re there for the Super Bowl rings and the first-class flights and the stadium energy.
They love the destination.
A co-pilot is in the seat next to you when the turbulence hits. They’re reading the instruments when you can’t see straight. They’re navigating. And sometimes, they’re the reason you don’t crash.
Marissa is my co-pilot.
She has been since we were 19 and 20. Since before any of this made sense. Since before I had any idea how many times I’d be cut, counted out, let go, and told to find a new city, a new team, a new locker room.
She signed up for that. Not just the good parts. All of it. And to do that, she made huge sacrifices in her own career and timeline.
In this league, your reality can change in a split second. There’s a moment when the call comes in. You hang up, you look at the person next to you, and you figure out what comes next.
I’ve had that moment with Marissa more times than either of us probably wants to remember.
What I can tell you is she has never flinched. Not once. She didn’t panic. She didn’t spiral. She didn’t start quietly updating her expectations for what our life was going to look like.
She said: Okay. Let’s make a plan.
That’s a co-pilot. That’s someone who believes in where you’re going even when the map looks different than you expected.
There’s a version of this story where I don’t keep going. Where the doubt wins. Where the comparison kills the comeback before it starts. Where “one more shot” becomes “one and done.” With Marissa as my co-pilot, those versions would never become reality.
Co-pilots tell you the truth.
Marissa is not a yes-person. She never has been.
This is the part people skip when they talk about good relationships.
When I’m overthinking something, she cuts through it. When my ego is getting in my own way, she’ll tell me. With love. But she’ll tell me.
The best co-pilots don’t just make you feel good. They make you better.
A passenger tells you what you want to hear. A co-pilot tells you what you need to hear. And if you find someone who does that without making you feel small, who pushes you up instead of putting you down, you hold onto that.
Here’s how this shows up at work.
I get asked a lot about what drives me at 34. Twelve-plus years in. Two rings in. Why the hunger?
Part of it is competition. Part of it is love of the game. But a big part of it is: I’m not doing this alone.
Every early morning when I’m up getting treatment before the kids wake up, she’s managing everything at home so I can be all-in on football. Every time I’ve had to pick up and move to a new city, she’s packed up the family and built something new out of nothing. Her eye for design has been honed through reps and reps of making anywhere and everywhere feel like our home.
She is as responsible for my career as any coach I’ve ever had. I mean that.
The people who sustain long careers, who keep performing at a high level, who bounce back year after year know that it’s not just about what they do in the building. It’s about who they go home to.
You cannot carry everything alone and expect to perform at your highest level. You need someone who holds things when you can’t. Who believes in the vision when you can barely see it. Who reminds you who you are when the noise gets loud.
So here’s what I want to ask you today.
Who’s in your co-pilot seat?
Not just in your relationship, though start there, but everywhere. In your career. In your circle.
Are the people closest to you helping you soar or weighing you down from taking flight?
Are they navigating with you, or just along for the vibes?
A passenger takes up space. A co-pilot elevates.
If you’ve got a co-pilot in your life, tell them today how much they mean to you. Don’t wait for a holiday to do it. Don’t wait until the perfect moment to say thank you. Give them their flowers (and some actual flowers) now.
To my co-pilot Marissa Van Noy: If you’ve made it this far reading this, I know you’re crying right now. You’ve been the constant in a life full of changes. You didn’t marry a destination. You married a direction, and you’ve been navigating with me every mile.
I don’t know what the next chapter looks like. We never do. But I know who’s in the seat next to me. And that’s enough to keep flying.
I love you.
Kyle, this was awesome! I have had a year this past one where I needed this kind co-pilot and my wife has been there for me in the ways you describe so beautifully.
You brought a tear to my eye. I have also started a weekly compilation on Fridays of the five best Substack posts I have read that week and yours will definitely be on it!
Also, as a Pats fan thanks for the joy you and your teammates brought with those rings!
Kyle, thank you for this beautiful analogy. Sheralyn and I are celebrating 40 years of engagement this Valentine's Day, and Sheralyn has been my co-pilot through thick and thin, good and bad, ups and downs--making "huge sacrifices in her own career and timeline." Thank you for the thoughtful reminder of how blessed we are to have these incredible women by our sides. Les